One Liner Jokes

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart". Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."
"Dad, how do stars die?" "Usually an overdose."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
"Give it to me! Give it to me" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
"How was your day mom?" is teenager for I need something that costs money.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
"I see your grades are struggling..." said my mum.
So I said, "Just like that button holding your pants together..."
"I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield that day." Sir Prise
"I would like my pizza to be 1/3 Hawaiian, 1/3 meat-lovers, and 1/3 vegeterian," ...said the zombie.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... except when you're at a funeral.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
"Two beer or not two beer, that is the question!"; William Shakesbeer
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud" "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.";
"Were any famous men born on your birthday?" "No, only little babies."
"What else can we think about?"- Insomnia
"What's wrong with my computer?" "It looks like your hard drive went soft."
"Why don't you trust me?", she texted both the guys simultaneously.
"You can't sleep either?" Says a voice from under your bed.
"Your finest Scotch, please." "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
*forgets to bring phone into the bathroom* I'm off the grid
*Puts down phone* OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!
15+15 is thirty but 16+16 is thirty too.
16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn't they go in? The sign said 18+.
1984: Is my house bugged? 
Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people: 1. They would spend it on alcohol. 2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
80 % of the brain is fluid. Unfortunately, in your case, it's brake fluid.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.
A blonde heard that accidents happen close to home so she moved!
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.
A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway...
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.
A female magician made her boyfriend vanish. How? By asking for a commitment.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes". She took away the extra chair in front of me.
A good rule of thumb is to never hire a magician with a wife with no legs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
A guy and a dog are siting at a bar. Dog says to guy, you think your wifes a bitch!
A guy goes to a club; the bouncer stops him. "No tie, no entry." He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says "How's this?" The bouncer says "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
A huge thanks to the guy that just explained the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
A large group of other people's children is called a "Nope".
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A long time ago we had Empires run by Emperors. Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have Countries ..
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
A magician was driving down the road and turned into a shopping mall.
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."
A man goes into the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses up his rectum. The doctors described his condition as stable.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while." 
The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."
A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
A mate said he saw several elderly men repairing shoes in the back of a van. I reckon it's a load of old cobblers.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.
A new poll suggests that most people will likely finish reading any sentence that starts with "A new poll suggests."
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothing.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. "Here, I killed your friend. Hold him."
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!" I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary.
A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
A wise dog once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
Adams girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorcycle. He just rode on. Ruthless.
Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!
After kissing a girl on her sofa she said "let's take this upstairs"."Ok" I said "You grab one end and I'll grab the other"
After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."
After Yoko Ono told John Lennon she loves him 8 days a week, Lennon wrote the song "Help!".
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for.
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications.
Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them...
All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart... I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today.
All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
All the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid hitting the earth 66 million years ago... I'm sorry, but they shouldn't all have been standing in the same place.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.
Although I have to repeat myself several times for my children to listen, I take great comfort knowing that one day nothing will annoy them more than me repeating myself.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Alzheimer's can't be that bad. You get to meet new people everyday.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
An ad at the zoo: ‘Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'
An asteroid 1,200 light years away has a 0.6% chance of colliding with the Earth, and you all just walking around like everything is fine.
An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
An idea came to the mind, and now she's searching for the brain.
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" 
The student replied, "It is obviously past."
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.
Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never dropped a cabbage on their toe.
Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Approach a woman in a bar and whisper "Hey, wanna get out of here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
Are you the square root of -1? Because you can't be real.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket. You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused", then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
As soon as you lose the ability to control your digestive system, it's all over...
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.
At this point in my life, my resume's "special skills" section just says: "pronounces Massachusetts towns" and "can nap on planes."
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!
Autocorrect is Freudian slip of smartphone age.
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
Becoming a parent is great. It's a beautiful and rewarding experience. It's almost as good as not becoming one.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"
Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.
Before marriage, men would wander parking lots aimlessly because they had no one to point out the open spots.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Behind every successful man, you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed.
Birthday: The anniversary of the day God slapped you on the butt and said, "Okay Kid, go get in the game. Play hard, play fair, and don't get too many penalty flags."
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
Black humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. And the barman says, oh god, not U2 again!
Booze booze the magical drink the more you drink the less you feel the less you feel the better the deal so drink booze for every meal.
Born free, taxed to death.
Boss: "You're fired."
Me slam fist on the couch: "You woke me up for this?"
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.
Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"
By age 35 you should hate the last three albums by your favorite band.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Cake: the answer, no matter the question.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
Can a woman make you a Millionaire? Yes, if you're a Billionaire.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
Can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's an escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Think it's time for a new keyboard.
Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.
CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.
Cashier: "How would you like to pay for this."
Me: "Not at all."
Cats are a great pet if you've ever wanted convenient access to a friend that hurts your feelings.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
Coffee makes you hyper, but coffee shops are designed for people to chill, whereas alcohol is a depressant but bars and clubs are designed for people to be energetic.
College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.
Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?
Currently the flower business is blooming.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope.
Dance like your microwave isn't watching.
Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain.
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Definition of Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Dentist: "You need a crown." Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"
Deodorant? No, I've never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes.
Despite my specific instructions, no one that has listened to my voicemail has left me a massage after the beep.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."
Did you hear about the bonfire? I heard it was lit.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.
Did you hear about the tailor who shredded all the neckwear? His company severed all ties.
Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Do people who go to the gym to "feel the burn" know nothing of Mexican food?
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
Do you know why libraries don't have books about suicide? They never get returned.
Do you think they named April Fool's Day in your honor?
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
Doc says to the patient, "You have the body of a twenty-year-old, but you should return it. You're stretching it completely out of shape."
Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
Don't mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Don't underestimate me, that's my mother's job.
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
EBay is useless. I searched for "lighters" and got 12,544 matches.
Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?
Energizer bunny arrested; charged with battery.
Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme...
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.
Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.
Every morning before school mom would give me 8 quarters for lunch... and every evening I'd sit on the toilet trying to pass them.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Everybody loves success, but they hate successful people.
Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.
Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
Everyone has their own path, fortunately mine leads to the liquor store.
Everyone my age is older than me...
Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you've gotten.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to 'unstable'.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
Females, repeat after me: "I was wrong and I'm sorry."
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Finally got around to watching Back To The Future... It's about time.
Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!
Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.
Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
For me, being "clean and sober" means I'm showered and headed to the pub.
For Mother's Day, I got my mom a case of Bud Lite. After all, I'm the reason she drinks.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
For sale: Watch with half a face. For a limited time only.
For Valentines Day I have been contemplating my current and past relationships. I organized the data and plotted it using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.
Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.
Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea.  Real friends pick up a camera.
Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
John spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.