Dad Jokes

"Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?" No sun. 
"Did you hear that I'm reading a book about anti-gravity? It's impossible to put down."
"I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible." 
"I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare." 
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y." 
"I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece." 
"My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls." 
"Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera." 
"What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M." 
"Whoever stole my depression medication, I hope you're happy now." 
"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth." 
30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. 
5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions. 
6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock. 
A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it's not polite to fish and tell. 
A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs. 
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. 
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! 
A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation." 
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand. 
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson." 
A magician was walking down the street ' then he turned into a store. 
A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, "Can't you just use a sponge? "
A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off. 
A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50. 
A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned. 
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here' 
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. 
Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made. 
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. 
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. 
An invisible man married and invisible women. The kids were nothing to look at. 
Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. 
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know one would have been enough." 
At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected. 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.
Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea. 
Can February March? No, but April May! 
Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends.
Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.
Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops! 
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut. 
Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. 
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.
Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.
Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.
Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business. 
Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.
Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!
Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds. 
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.
Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after. 
Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!
Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!
Did you know that the first french fries weren't cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.
Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.
Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes. 
England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool. 
Every night, I have a hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me. 
Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. 
Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions. 
Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job. 
Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. 
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life. 
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.
Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis"? It's like normal tennis but without the racket.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!
Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high. 
How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark. 
How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.
How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.
How do you get an astronaut's baby to stop crying? You rocket. 
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
How do you make seven even? You take away the s.
How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!
How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. 
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. 
I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. 
I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing. 
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line. 
I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn't go over well. 
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. 
I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner ' it was just gathering dust! 
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. 
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. 
I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something. 
I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea. 
I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, "What do you do at a red light? " I said, "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time. 
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. 
I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge! 
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it! 
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a grape. 
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg. 
I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate. 
I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. 
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. 
I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing. 
I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. 
I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. 
I have a clean conscious. It's never been used. 
I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work. 
I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. 
I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids. 
I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time. 
I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it's pointless. 
I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head. 
I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts. 
I have a joke about being an electrician, but it's too shocking. 
I have a joke about butter, but I'm not going to spread it. 
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it'll get a reaction. 
I have a joke about drilling, but it's boring. 
I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it. 
I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old. 
I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it's not very good. 
I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head. 
I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable. 
I have a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy. 
I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later. 
I have a joke about statistics, but it's not significant. 
I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don't get it. 
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. 
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. 
I haven't talked to my wife in a week. I didn't want to interrupt her. 
I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there. 
I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. 
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. 
I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. 
I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist. 
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor. 
I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn't fit ' what a huge waist! 
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. 
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. 
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen. 
I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa. 
I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs. 
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. 
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir." 
I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. 
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet'I don't know y. 
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. 
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. 
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'. 
I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace! 
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 
I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. 
I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep. 
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. 
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts. 
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. 
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. 
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me. 
I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.
I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. 
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. 
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. 
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around. 
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. 
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. 
I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet. 
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying. 
I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs. 
I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins. 
I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming. 
I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now. 
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows. 
I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque. 
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. 
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. 
I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice. 
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess. 
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. 
I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you." "Is that you or the beer talking? " she asked. I answered, "It's me talking to my beer."
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. 
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. 
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. 
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind. 
I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers! 
I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! 
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any. 
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity. 
I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. 
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either. 
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy. 
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off. 
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though. 
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction. 
I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. 
I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. 
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it! 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. 
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. 
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed! 
I'm thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it's only holding me back. 
I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward. 
I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. 
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? 
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery, I'll kill him with my bear hands. 
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? 
If prisoners could take their own mug shots, they'd be called cellfies. 
If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. 
If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called having a beef? 
If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. 
If you're up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it's pasture bedtime. 
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line. 
In 2021 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2022 or 2023, either. This is a running joke. 
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. 
In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak. 
It really takes guts to be an organ donor. 
It's raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle. 
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. 
Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate. 
Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. 
Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted. 
Last night my wife and I watched two movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. 
Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. 
MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it! 
Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything. 
Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean. 
Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right. 
Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they're out of pasta, and we're penneless. 
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. 
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! 
My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well. 
My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. 
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental. 
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. 
My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing. 
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to like it. 
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. 
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water. I know he means well. 
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder." 
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care. 
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool. 
My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor. 
My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today! 
My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I've known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken. 
My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can't say I'm surprised. 
My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest. 
My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. 
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more. 
My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. 
My wife asked why I didn't buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn't know she sold flowers. 
My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don't fit in my pants from March. 
My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. 
My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz. 
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fi 
My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. 
My wife said my two biggest faults are I don't listen and something else. 
My wife said, "You weren't even listening, were you? " And I thought, "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
My wife says nothing rhymes with "orange." And I said, "No, it doesn"t!" 
My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us." 
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. 
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll. 
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. 
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. 
One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It's a frank relationship. 
People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow! 
People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. 
RIP boiling water, you will be mist. 
Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? 
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said "parking fine." 
Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. 
Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. 
Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. 
The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. 
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this 
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. 
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense. 
The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. 
The rotation of earth really makes my day. 
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention. 
There's a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. There is no cure, it's terminal. 
There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation! 
They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. 
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there. 
This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." 
This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together. 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run. 
To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word! 
To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you. 
To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night. 
To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now. 
To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts. 
To the person who stole my place in line: I'm after you now. 
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up. 
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you? "
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. 
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'. 
Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted. 
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
We're renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story. 
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.
What did one leaf say to the other? I'm falling for you.
What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let's stick together.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?
What did the blanket say to the bed? I've got you covered.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.
What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? "Supplies!"
What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.
What did the llama say to his date? "Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bed time.
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff
What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I'll cashew eventually!
What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!
What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!
What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one's on the house.
What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.
What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.
What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!
What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.
What do houses wear? An address.
What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener! 
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory. 
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet? A desserter.
What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaad mooood.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. 
What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned. 
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!
What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What is a calendar's favorite food? Dates.
What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.
What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.
What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!
What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!
What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!
What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!
What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!
What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries
What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.
What's a skeleton's favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!
What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!
What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee. 
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What's that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.
What's the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
What's the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.
What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.
What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. 
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. 
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. 
When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I'd rather keep it in the carton. 
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.
Where do books hide when they're afraid? Under their covers.
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.
Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.
Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.
Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!
Where do you take someone who's been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
Where's the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale. 
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.
Why can't you trust a balloon? It's full of hot air
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one. 
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.
Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn't a good fit.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean's bottom.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
Why do birds fly south? Because it's too far to talk.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don't freeze their buns.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
Why don't crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? They seem shady.
Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!
Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. 
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case. 
Without geometry life is pointless. 
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge? "
Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It's so cultured. 
You know people say they pick their noses but I feel like I was just born with mine! 
You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.